Tag Archives: honesty

Honesty

If you have followed my blog you may know that one of my utmost important values in my life is honesty. I have walked away from many a friend or family member who found it impossible to be honesty. Dishonesty by omission is not excluded in this value.

I can write a short blog post or Facebook status, but it would never perfectly described just how integral this core value is to me. I won’t go into the several reasons that could account for this lack of trust as, in truth, what would it solve to drag up past experiences that have shaped the person I am today?  Today I try to live honestly in a sadly dishonest world.

The sad thing is I still have that childish belief that other people hold honesty in as much importance as I do. Awareness is marvelous until it extinguishes the hope that  people feel the same way.  I never cease to be amazed at the behaviour of humans and I came to the conclusion last night that some people are so afraid to live honestly in this world.

Art is a therapy, a friend. You can always trust in creativity and it never lies. Where else could you feel such love, such happiness than being completely and utterly at peace with a collograph or painting?

A friend messaged me this tonight. Your comments are appreciated.truth

Definition of Honest from Urban Dictionary

A divine attribute we often wrongly assign to one we admire, but sadly, like telepathy, honesty is a characteristic not inherent in humanity. To be truly and completely honest with someone, one must first be truly and completely honest with one’s self. Since our species is incapable of seeing past its own fears, desires, prejudices, convictions, emotional attachments, memories and flawed perceptions, man is not capable of viewing an unfiltered reality. Every single conclusion a person comes to is first carefully screened and reviewed through a series of subconscious unrelated facets of collective reasoning and thus all humanity is blind to all truth. Thus, no one is truly and completely honest with themselves and thus cannot be truly and completely honest with others. The most anyone can hope to give is their honest opinion. But that’s all it is, an opinion.

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Innermost self

The Daily Post asked today: If you had to design a costume that channeled your true, innermost self, what would that costume look like? Would you dare to wear it?

When i initially read this I instantly thought of a suit of armour. Sadly I feel it necessary to wear this armour as I do not tend to be too resilient (yet) to what other people say or do. During my teaching I learnt from an anger management course, that what we hear may not necessarily be what was spoken, and what was seen may be misinterpreted by individual life experiences.

suit of armour

But as I think further about my inner most self in its true, natural form it would probably look like the Thistle Down Coat designed and made Adrian Bannon from the seeds of the thistle plant. I saw this piece on display in the Textile Hall at the Manchester Museum of Science and Industry, Manchester, UK.

Thistle Down Coat designed and made Adrian Bannon
Thistle Down Coat designed and made Adrian Bannon

It sums up the fragility of my innermost self.

Would I dare to wear it? It would probably be a case of how long would it last if I did? Until I build up my resilience to people, places and situations I would probably say no….

The armour would be more appropriate in this day and age, but if I was among friends who love me and know my true inner most self then I would wear it, and if it should break or become tangled, I know they will help me to mend.

Awareness

“You see persons and things not as they are but as you are. ”
― Anthony de Mello

I am a little undecided about what to blog about tonight. I don’t aim to be a master of writing nor a philosopher on life but it does help to share my thoughts and artwork to help people get to know me and what I am about.

That, in itself, is a massive step for me as I lived behind masks for years. I know today this was because I didn’t really like myself enough to let people get to know me. Today I like myself :-).

Ok, so two subjects have been whirling around my head and in some way they are entwined. The first is awareness. I love the subject of awareness. My life over the last few years has led me to become aware of myself, my thoughts and how they affect my behaviour.

“People mistakenly assume that their thinking is done by their head; it is actually done by the heart which first dictates the conclusion, then commands the head to provide the reasoning that will defend it.”
― Anthony de Mello

I love to people watch. Some call it awareness, some judgement, but I call it self preservation. I watch, I become aware, I judge and then I preserve my sense of self. I no longer hide behind masks or pretend. I learnt the meaning of the word congruence and, as a visual learner, I pictured two parallel lines. I wanted to be congruent in all my life. I wanted to be, and live, in line with my thoughts and feelings and be honest and open. What a great freedom this has given me.

A couple of days ago I posted about my values and being true to those values. Escaping the rat race enabled me to do just that. To draw new parallel lines that meant I was true to myself, my loves and passions.

The second subject was about putting people on pedestals. I personally find it dangerous. No man or woman should be put on a pedestal. We are all human and we make mistakes. I have a friend who says ‘high expectations, low serenity’. We are not faultless and to place someone in an unreachable position leads to unhappiness when our needs are not met. If people put you on a pedestal the same is true, you fail to meet the needs of others who raise you up.

Tonight I sat in a room and watched. I could write a general description of the people in the room from my perspective. However, as Antony de Mello says, “You see persons and things not as they are but as you are. ” Another person in the room tonight would see a completely different picture. They would feel a completely different vibe and both of us would be right for us. I saw people lifted up on pedestals and also with people who sought validation for what they were saying.

Art is very subjective, it can be viewed very differently by whoever chooses to look at the piece or series of works. It would be fabulous to create something that could be seen as ‘dynamic’, ‘original’, ‘ground-breaking’ or ‘beautiful’. I wait expectantly to see/hear people’s opinions of my work but in reality, the only persons opinions that should matter is my own. I only need to answer the questions of whether I fulfilling my creative needs and being true to myself?

In truth, I find it uncomfortable to think that I don’t need affirmation from others. I am not yet at the point where I don’t need to seek the approval of others and I envy those who have that self assurance. I still have a way to go in fully believing in my skills and abilities. There is work to do in creating and having faith in my successful identity as an artist. I have only just begun to see the value in my own gift, rather than in the gift of teaching others the skills I already possess.

I write not to gain assurance from others but I love it when I get an email to say that someone is following me. It helps me to realise that I have a voice, that I am worth reading about and that I am not alone in this journey of self awareness. Hopefully I can help in your awareness journey by walking with you hand in hand. Maybe we can share what we see and learn new insights.

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Morals are good Becky, but they don’t pay the mortgage.

This was said to me almost a year ago. Being the impulsive person I can be, I submitted my resignation after a (bleep) senior manager threatened redundancies at, my then, place of work.

Have you ever done something that was impulsive? This episode in my life highlighted to me that the rat race was no longer for me. A profession I had worked in for 13 years had diverted from my original idea of ‘making a difference’ to ‘making profit’, I knew it was time to make a change.

How did I know? That inner feeling that you feel when your values are challenged. The sense that all is not well. Now call it what you like. instinct, God consciousness, awareness, gut feeling, whatever. You know. And I knew.

I didn’t know the exact value that was challenged at that time, but I knew I wasn’t willing to play a part in the catastrophe that I could see happening. Fight or flight? I hung up my gloves.

‘Morals are good Becky, but they don’t pay the mortgage’ my manager said. She accepted that I wasn’t prepared to dance to the tune but she did make me see sense. I saw that being irresponsible, by acting on impulse, meant I wasn’t fulfilling my responsibilities and she gave me the gift of time to make a decision, rather than an impulsive reaction.

The grand gesture I made and the determination in which I handed in my notice soon melted and I agreed to stay until I found another job. Now don’t get me wrong, it was as much for the place that I worked as for me. I was an ‘outstanding tutor’ who had the ability to work with all types of students. I was, if I say so myself, outstanding.

However, I was tired. I was tired of fighting the behaviour when all I wanted to do was teach in the hope of making a difference. I was tired of being surrounded by paperwork when all I wanted to do was be with the students and listen whilst we drew/painted or designed. I was just tired.

In November, I eventually stopped fighting. I gave up and over a period of 3 months, I decided I could no longer be anyone’s puppet. I wasn’t prepared to dance to a tune I no longer enjoyed, so I decided to write my own.

It wasn’t easy. I first had to find out what my values were. Then I had to look at what would match these values and not conflict against them. On doing this I found the reason why I was discontented in the rat race. It went against my values. The main ones being honesty and kindness.

During the last few years I did not find the rat race to be an honest environment. Nothing was ever straight forward. Dishonesty and ego were hidden amongst abbreviations and jargon which was like a secret code I wasn’t privy to. Kindness was found in individuals who were few and far between and usually, such people, were highlighted as weak or were taken advantage of.

When did people lose sight of the qualities that are free? We weren’t born unkind or dishonest.

Today I surround myself with people who share the same values. I have challengers who make me think about things, but I no longer fight them. Today I have a choice in what I do. I pay the mortgage (just) by doing things I enjoy, by working where I want, when I want, with people who I want to work with. What a freedom that gift of time gave me.

I will be forever grateful to that manager, who is now a friend. Morals are good and I can pay the mortgage and be true to them.

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