Category Archives: Thoughts

Honesty

If you have followed my blog you may know that one of my utmost important values in my life is honesty. I have walked away from many a friend or family member who found it impossible to be honesty. Dishonesty by omission is not excluded in this value.

I can write a short blog post or Facebook status, but it would never perfectly described just how integral this core value is to me. I won’t go into the several reasons that could account for this lack of trust as, in truth, what would it solve to drag up past experiences that have shaped the person I am today?  Today I try to live honestly in a sadly dishonest world.

The sad thing is I still have that childish belief that other people hold honesty in as much importance as I do. Awareness is marvelous until it extinguishes the hope that  people feel the same way.  I never cease to be amazed at the behaviour of humans and I came to the conclusion last night that some people are so afraid to live honestly in this world.

Art is a therapy, a friend. You can always trust in creativity and it never lies. Where else could you feel such love, such happiness than being completely and utterly at peace with a collograph or painting?

A friend messaged me this tonight. Your comments are appreciated.truth

Definition of Honest from Urban Dictionary

A divine attribute we often wrongly assign to one we admire, but sadly, like telepathy, honesty is a characteristic not inherent in humanity. To be truly and completely honest with someone, one must first be truly and completely honest with one’s self. Since our species is incapable of seeing past its own fears, desires, prejudices, convictions, emotional attachments, memories and flawed perceptions, man is not capable of viewing an unfiltered reality. Every single conclusion a person comes to is first carefully screened and reviewed through a series of subconscious unrelated facets of collective reasoning and thus all humanity is blind to all truth. Thus, no one is truly and completely honest with themselves and thus cannot be truly and completely honest with others. The most anyone can hope to give is their honest opinion. But that’s all it is, an opinion.

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Say it anyway

Write It For Her Anyway.

Wow, Stuart liked my last post ‘Goodnight Shirley’ which led me to read this wonderful tribute he wrote to his ‘nannie’. The post talks about wishing you had said such words whilst the person you write for, was still alive. How often have we used those well known words….if only.

Life can be fleeting and it takes something drastic or sudden to make you realise that. It can be a roller coaster at times and take unexpected twists and turns. It’s a common cry of the grieving person, ‘if only I had……’

‘Write it for her anyway’ reminds me of a question I was asked when I missed my mum terribly weeks after she died suddenly. ‘What would you want to say to your mum if she were here?’ I was asked by a counsellor whilst I sat facing an empty chair. ‘Imagine your mum was sat in that chair, what do you want to say to her?’

‘I did it mum!’ I said.

Such a powerful position to be in when you are desperate to just feel the love of a lost one and listen to their voice. ‘What do you imagine she would say to you Becky?’ He then asked? At this point I felt loved as I remembered my mum with her ever comforting voice saying… ‘I knew you would!’

Words can always be written or said. It eradicates the ‘if onlys’ and gets rid of that awful sense of guilt about the unspoken words or unfulfilled promises.

Today I can sit with my mum and dad and speak to them as if they were here. I can imagine my fathers sarcastic tones or expletives and imagine my mum laughing at some of my thoughts or behaviours. In truth I can face an empty chair and talk to them anyway…. And if I truly listen, I can hear their response.

Thanks to Stuart, I have remembered that this is something I can do and it’s healing power is amazing.

Filtered mumblings

The Daily Post today asks you to write for 10 minutes, without pauses and editing. So here goes.

I sit here now with 10 minutes of unedited and unfiltered mumblings. It’s a difficult thing to do. To not think about the consequences of what you may write or the level of honesty that may tumble from your fingertips is a good thing to ask to do. I have done this before, on,y on a larger scale. It has been known to me as ’emptying my head’.

Quite often the thoughts that take up free rent in my head are totally disproportionate to what is reality. I quite selfishly think of myself most of the time and my concerns. even that, in itself, is a aspect of myself that I don’t freely admit. It’s hard not to pause with the thoughts of should I, shouldn’t I or to correct what you have just wrote.

Many years ago as part of my healing process I had to write ‘unsent letters’. They were unfiltered because I had thoughts, feeling and fears that dominated my life, not in the ‘psychiatric’ way just that bogged me down or dominated my ways of thinking and feeling. As part of my recovery I wrote these letters. I had to empty my head from the anger, sadness, questions and lies that I had believed or thought for such a long time.

It had a very powerful effect.

I got rid of the awful feelings that had dominated me for years, sometimes decades and felt for the first time a sense of freedom. I was shown the truth of situations and I could see clearly what I couldn’t see before, it truly was an awakening. Like a flower emerging from a constrained bud. I was free.

I recommend it to anyone who has things they need to say or want to say to anyone. They are unsent for a reason. You need to empty you. Not to offload or make someone else feel dreadful. Quite often people are none the wiser to the way you feel and they live their lives free from any sense of obligation or blame. Yet creative souls walk around carrying burdens that are totally unnecessary and instead of unloading the baggage we add to it as time goes by all based on a dishonest perspective. I may not be making sense and to be honest that’s the point of the task I suppose, to see a new side to the blogger. I hope you like this side of me.

Thanks for reading.

PS excuse the grammar and punctuation. It never is my strong point with or without the pauses xx (Thank God for autocorrect :-))20141002-235004-85804798.jpg

‘I’m ok!’

On The Daily Post today the post asks for us to think about the following..

‘You’ve been given the opportunity to send one message to one person you wouldn’t normally have access to (for example: the President. Kim Kardashian. A coffee grower in Ethiopia). Who’s the person you choose, and what’s the message?’

I read some responses and thought about who I would choose. Now, if I was to think with my head, I may choose someone who has world wide influence, or maybe a political figure who could make a huge difference, but I have very little knowledge about politics or war and wouldn’t be so arrogant to pretend that I had.

As ever, I listened to my heart. I would choose my mum. My mum died suddenly 8 and a half years ago, I don’t miss her with the intense grief I had at the start but I am still aware that it would be good to tell her little snippets of my life, small messages or statuses which let her know the simple message, ‘I’m ok’.

When I had bereavement counselling for my mum, the counsellor asked me what I missed about my mum. Although it was painful I told her. I missed her honesty, her laugh, her companionship, her listening ears and shoulder to cry on. In all, I missed her friendship. Then came the honesty I needed when the counsellor said… “Well your mum is gone, you now have to find these things you miss about your mum in the people you have around you.”

As harsh as it may seem to hear those words, It stopped me in the longing stage of my grief and forced me into acceptance. I had longed to have my mum back, to give her messages and let her know ‘I’m ok’, ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m sorry’, or just to tell her about my day but I knew deep down it was an impossibility, I just didn’t want to accept it.

Today I carry my mum in the friends I have around me. I have a wealth of people who hold the same values and give me love. I know I will never fully fill that hole left by the loss of my mum, but that my life will grow abundantly around the hole so the pain will lessen. For me this has been true. I give thanks every year that I haven’t been swallowed up by grief and that my life is rich because of what I’ve learnt.

When I see a robin, I see my mum and they inevitably show up when I am with people I love and care about. So what will my message be to that person that I wouldn’t normally have access to?

Simply, ‘Mum, I’m ok’ xxx

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MM30 – Monochrome Madness 30

It’s nice to be a part of such a talent of photographers and being featured amongst the impressive work of Leanne Cole. Not long ago I would neve have considered daring to send my photos to anyone but the excitement to know whether or not you have taken a striking picture that claims it’s space on the blog is too much not to be part of. Leanne, as ever, gives honest feedback and inspired me to just keep on ‘keeping on’. Again a privilege to be featured and to see such beauty and perspective in the work of others. Thank you x

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”

“Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
― Confucius

Well, the start of my blogging journey was encouraged by the book ‘Stuff work, let’s play’ by John Williams and today I can look back and think…I’m giving it a go, if nothing else. I am trying all sorts of adventures to find the one that feels most like play and then…. Hoping to find ways to get paid for it.

It’s a difficult task when your identity has been wrapped up in a profession for so long. It is hard not to hold on to the security of the ‘Devil you know’ and just trust that all will be well and that all my needs will be catered for. I have no particular faith, but I do believe that there is something greater that brings positive things into your life. I just need to believe that I am deserving of these things and that they will come.

I have been given a talent. I am an artist, and although that feels uncomfortable to say, it is true and I love doing what I do. I also love people. It is a source of pleasure to be surrounded by creative and loving people, but I have learnt this year that in order to fill myself up I need solitude.

In the solitude, I can hear the truth, when I stop that racing chatter that feeds the negative thoughts I tend to see reason. When I take a walk and look at the incredible detail in flowers I know that there are things at work, far bigger than I can ever imagine. It doesn’t have to have a label of God, Spirit, Universe or whatever is your preference but I do have to have some acceptance that something is at work.

When I was a child, I believed. I had a unquestionable faith that I would be ok. Amongst the madness of childhood and all it entails, I was ok. I grew into the loving, caring and wonderful person I am today who is surrounded by people who believe in me. (Quite often more than I believe in myself).
I was fearless in my approach to life and took life as it came. I would always see the positive in people and situations. In short, I had faith.

That is what I want again. To walk with assurance that all will be ok, that I will find a job which doesn’t feel like work. That I will reinvent myself as an Artist and unravel my identity that has been wrapped up in the rat race for so long. That I will be free.

What a wonderful place that would be to exist. So what’s stopping me?
I think I will get out of my own way, and as a true friend says, stop thinking. My old boss (now friend) use to say, ‘You are where you’re at…. Now what?’

Answers on a postcard please!

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