Category Archives: Depression

Honesty

If you have followed my blog you may know that one of my utmost important values in my life is honesty. I have walked away from many a friend or family member who found it impossible to be honesty. Dishonesty by omission is not excluded in this value.

I can write a short blog post or Facebook status, but it would never perfectly described just how integral this core value is to me. I won’t go into the several reasons that could account for this lack of trust as, in truth, what would it solve to drag up past experiences that have shaped the person I am today?  Today I try to live honestly in a sadly dishonest world.

The sad thing is I still have that childish belief that other people hold honesty in as much importance as I do. Awareness is marvelous until it extinguishes the hope that  people feel the same way.  I never cease to be amazed at the behaviour of humans and I came to the conclusion last night that some people are so afraid to live honestly in this world.

Art is a therapy, a friend. You can always trust in creativity and it never lies. Where else could you feel such love, such happiness than being completely and utterly at peace with a collograph or painting?

A friend messaged me this tonight. Your comments are appreciated.truth

Definition of Honest from Urban Dictionary

A divine attribute we often wrongly assign to one we admire, but sadly, like telepathy, honesty is a characteristic not inherent in humanity. To be truly and completely honest with someone, one must first be truly and completely honest with one’s self. Since our species is incapable of seeing past its own fears, desires, prejudices, convictions, emotional attachments, memories and flawed perceptions, man is not capable of viewing an unfiltered reality. Every single conclusion a person comes to is first carefully screened and reviewed through a series of subconscious unrelated facets of collective reasoning and thus all humanity is blind to all truth. Thus, no one is truly and completely honest with themselves and thus cannot be truly and completely honest with others. The most anyone can hope to give is their honest opinion. But that’s all it is, an opinion.

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Golden Key.” What box would I open? I thought about sitting in on ‘big wig’ business meeting just to make sense of the madness of the business world or ‘rat race’ but would this benefit me in any way? I doubt it and what a waste if I only had one key.

I could think about a box full of the secrets of life but again, would this guarantee a happy contented life or just a life where there was nothing to look forward. A life where the element of surprise and adventure would be lost and there would be no need for hope as you will have the blueprint.

So then, what else?

If I had a golden key, I would unlock the brain of the depressive. I would trace the steps to find the source of where they lost all hope and look at the impact that words had played in their measure of self belief. I would sift through all the wreckage that had build up and search and search to find gems which have been overlooked or easily forgotten when the dark cloud or black dog has got its grip.

I would make a board of all my findings, plaster a wall and surround myself with memories of the positivity in life and bring my back on the path of hope. I would burn the negative findings so that I wouldn’t get enveloped in them again and make a ‘to do’ pile of pieces that I would address when my self belief returned.

The fact is just this though. I have that key already. I have access to all this if I would give myself time and trust in others to help me. The key isn’t hidden, its just been mislaid. When its time, it will appear and I can then unlock ‘infinite precious things’.

 

rozinfocus.wordpress.com
Image sourced on google and found on rozinfocus.wordpress.com

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Disheartened

Well I’ve finished my 2nd craft fair and I must say I have come back totally demoralised. I’ve received comments such as ….. ‘Treat it as an experience,’ ‘the trouble is you have too much of YOU invested in your work’ or ‘different meat for different stalls’ but I can’t help but feel disheartened.

It’s not that I don’t believe in my work, but that I am still trying to find the angle to pursue or avenue to take as a long term pursuit. I’m not looking for sympathy or consolation, I’m not really sure what I need to make me feel better but I am going to do what I usually do and that is rest, recharge and reassess. Sometimes I just need to sit and think, reflect and trust. It’s the trust part that I find very difficult. But that’s another post!

Thanks for reading. Hugs and love xxxx20141018-234411-85451713.jpg

‘Love affair with your own b£&@!?£’

I heard this tonight and what a fabulous way to sum up the belief I can often have with some long held negative thoughts and opinions (bull£&@)) about myself. Quite often these beliefs are like a pair of old slippers, extremely comfortable, well worn and that, for some strange reason, I find reluctant to let go of.

Some beliefs are so ingrained that they have taken on the very steps I walk, the mannerisms I have and almost morph into me. Sometimes I don’t recognise the ‘bullshit’ and, quite often, believe wholeheartedly that what I tell myself, about myself, is the absolute truth. Thank God for perspective, for friends who can stop these thoughts simply by challenging their truths.

In ‘The four C’s’ I spoke about the four types of people I surround myself with today and I am grateful that these people give me a full and honest view of myself in ways that can be both positive and challenging.

I’m not saying I surround myself with people who pat me on the shoulder or continually stroke my ego, but people who care enough it give me the truth.

Another way it has been described recently is that you can surround yourself with so many different people and they are all staring at a beach ball. (Me) Each person has a different view point. Some see red and yellow, some blue and white but they are all seeing the same object/person.

The love affair with my own bull£&@ had to stop at some point. Running away from reality was not successful and it has been only by relying on the help of others that I have been able to start truly living.

A love affair can be something sordid or something truly beautiful. I want to dance through life wearing life like a loose garment, but before I can do that I need to take off the corset of self criticism/abuse or what was so aptly put tonight, bull&@£&. I need to untie the laces that have kept me from facing fears or trying new things and get rid of the limiting beliefs about not being good enough or that I was a ‘beautiful mistake’.

“Happiness is an inside job” said William Arthur Ward and I need to start feeding myself up on positivity and love for myself, from myself. Today I feel the happiest I’ve felt for a long time. A weekend that has been incredible and has shown the truth to me… I am good enough and that isn’t bull)&@&!

*I do not usually use bad language in my blog so please do not stop reading. This quote had to be used without being watered down. Sometimes it needs to be knocked in with a hammer rather than being stroked by a feather.

Thoughts are like seeds that grow in your mind

Blue Flower 001

I don’t know about you but I have been brought up to be self sufficient. Currently it kills me to be reliantly on others, waiting for phone calls to work in the rat race so that I have the funds to be creative. I was going to entitle this ‘spinning plates’ as I feel that’s what I am trying to do.

I want to do so much and there is not enough time, or money, to do all the things I want. I have exciting plans and yet know that there are some ‘shoulds’ that I have to do first before I can surround myself with loads of happiness and be creative.

I haven’t always felt like this. I have had jobs with lots of money and yet haven’t had the strength or motivation to do anything due to unhappiness and ill health. When I took the decision to leave a well paid job, I knew it was absolutely necessary for my life! I will never regret making that decision. Today I have a good life and I love it but unfortunately I carry with me that financial insecurity of my childhood which can tarnish my view today.

Why is it that the only negative in my life is often at the forefront? When I look at the reality of my life, I have everything I need. Thankfully I know that these feelings are fleeting and when I start to work on my creative tasks I get lost. The plates spin by themselves and all is well. When I concentrate on only one aspect of my  life, quite often it can become immense and impossible to control. It grows like a huge beast over powering the positive and whitewashing hope. It loses all sense of proportion.

“Thoughts are like seeds that grow in your mind… once they take root and are given light they will flourish. It is up to you to chose whether they will be weeds or Flowers.” Kim Bayne

What I need to do is to keep everything in its right place and its right size. Count my blessing and focus on the positives in my life. I need to surround myself with flowers and bask in their beauty. Until next time X

 

Self indulgence

Had a brilliant day and it has finished as it started, with friends. It’s been a while since I have felt so self indulgent without the feeling of ‘shoulds’.

Today I wanted to spend time with new and old friends who make me feel good about me.

For many years I have held on to ‘friendships’ through obligation. When relationships had clearly run their course, (I see today) I would drag them on wringing out the very last drop. I would always be the rescuer as it gave me a purpose, and when I was no longer needed, I then became a victim who persecuted.

Today I spend time with people who, like me, have travelled the distance. People who have been to very dark places, but who have survived. Despite adversity, and probably because of it, the new and old friends have a greater understanding and compassion for themselves and others. We, together have bonds that are beautiful rather than the chains of obligation of previous years.

Self indulgence today is a gift, to truly allow yourself a day to just be. A day where you can eat cake without worrying about the scales or sit drinking tea knowing that whatever chores need doing, can wait until tomorrow.

What a blessing not to rush through life and to be able to witness the joys of animals or the colours of flowers. Doesn’t this self indulgence sound perfect? Well it is. Just for today.

A perfect day today, a reminder of what lies ahead in my journey from rat race to creativity.

Why don’t you try it?20140913-004001-2401248.jpg

The elephant in the room

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.
Yet, we squeeze by with,
“how are you” and “I’m fine…”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
we talk about everything else
except the elephant in the room.
We all know it’s there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk.
It is constantly on our minds.
For you see, it is a very big elephant.
But we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.

I am sure there are many blogs today about Robin Williams and the sad news of his illness. It would be wrong for me not to acknowledge his passing but also to raise him up higher than any other human who suffered with depression and sadly also took there own lives.

The elephant in the room can be any form of mental illness which debilitated a person. Depression just seems to be the most diagnosed. I am a sufferer and can relate to the thoughts of escape but thankfully I have never actually taken it further than a thought. Am I lucky, yes.

But why?

I grew up in a home where we danced around several elephants in the room. There was no mention to anyone of the happenings inside our home and although it was not a deprived childhood, it wasn’t normal.

I learnt from an early age to answer correctly, I didn’t know any different until I started to suffer myself. I didn’t know that depression was an elephant in the room and that it explained many behaviours that sadly affected my self esteem, trust and dependency from an early age.

I had always been creative and as a child I would write poetry rather than speak about anything that didn’t make sense. I hid behind a guitar and microphone trying above all to be the best Christian I could be. I walked away from church (not my God) when I started to feel emotions such as shame and guilt. These emotions I was carried for many years and I am sure contributed to the depression I felt in 2006.

Life has been like a pond. If you watch a pond, it is still. Occasionally something will come to the surface and will need to be fished out. My experience has been that aspects of my past have come up when they are good and ready and thankfully I have had people around me who carried me until I found my feet.

I have dealt with many issues over the past 8 years and I have learnt through bereavement counselling for both parents that it is always best to talk about the elephant in the room. At times I can wind myself up to the point of total depression and unmanageability. At this point nothing makes sense and I fail to trust my own thinking let alone the advice of others. Left to my own devices God knows what I would do. Never say never.

So today I make sure that I don’t suffer anymore, that I welcome the elephant and introduce it to my friends. Eventually it will be finished with me when it realises that it has no chance against the support I have around me.

It will return and try again from another angle but thankfully I know that I no longer have to hide anymore, that I am free. My friends can usually see it before me. Those that have walked away due to ignorance I can only hope never experience the illness themselves.

I am grateful for those that have stayed and for the new friends who have been part of me finding me. I dedicate this post to all who didn’t make it.

Karen W. Terry. Linda. Paul. Marita. Robin W. God bless you and your families. Xx